Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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