If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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