I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
