Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
