a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
