She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
