Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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