I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
