I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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