we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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