I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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