No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
