Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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