I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
