Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
