Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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