Cold hands, warm shart.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
