I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
