just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
