I just threw up on my dentist
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
