Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
