Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
