smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
