i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
