He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
