i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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