I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
