remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
