They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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