dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
