Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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