i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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