How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
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