Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
