Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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