and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
someone owes me an orgasm
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
