can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
