So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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