My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
