Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
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It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...