theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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