Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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