Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
