He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
