If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
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