so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
