not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This couple is walking their pig around campus
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
