she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
