dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
