I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
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if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
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Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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