While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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