Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
