Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
