You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Randomize
