Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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