i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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