a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
two words...techno handjob
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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